Helplessness is NOT Hopelessness

After several bouts of depression and treatment I was spiralling downward. Every set back left me feeling less capable of a normal life until finally I couldn't force myself to get out of bed in the morning to go to work and many of my once close relationships were strained. I found myself on sick leave from work.

My body and muscles felt tired and heavy in spite of the fact I was spending extended periods laying in bed.

I was feeling totally defeated and life felt completely hopeless.

I was determined to find help; I reached out to my family Doctor and contacted the Canadian Mental Health Association. It was here at a counselling session that I was given the information about Recovery Canada, a self help group that met at our local library. I attended the very next meeting and the rest as they say is history. I left that meeting with hope, if others like me could now live peaceful and productive lives maybe my case wasn't hopeless after all.

I attended meetings regularly and learned one cognitive behaviour tool at a time and applied them as best I could. I learned about self endorsement (giving yourself a mental pat on the back) for every effort regardless of the outcome and not to criticise myself when I didn't practice them perfectly.

I read Dr Low's books and learned that when the brain defaults the muscles can be commanded to take over, the fatigue I was feeling was in the brain not the muscles. The method is simple but not easy, it required effort but we try, fail, try, fail, try succeed. We have set backs but we never go back to where we were before we were.

I can hardly relate to the person I was 4 years ago today, I can stop my racing thoughts, I can go to work everyday, my relationships have improved, I have the courage to make mistakes. I highlight my gains and blindspot my failures. I will always be an apprentice, never a master but I will never again be alone with the illness. I now have the knowledge that taught me what to do when my symptoms raise their head and I know that when I apply the tools I have learned I will overcome them.

North Star, Brampton, Ontario